A Note to the Fledgling Essayists in My Comments Section

Since I published a post on the issue of flying on aeroplanes while fat in January, there has been a steady stream of essays flooding my inbox. It’s slowed a little bit, thankfully, since that first day when my inbox had literally hundreds of comment notifications overnight. But at least once every few days, I get an email notification about a new comment on that post. When I open it, it’s 4-5 paragraphs about why I am wrong, fat, disgusting, terrible, etc. Some have been even longer! Some are novellas about why I suck.

But listen! I don’t want you to waste your time! And I certainly don’t want you to waste mine anymore. So, here are a few things you should know.

1. I moderate comments. And that means I’m probably not going to publish yours. So, you can certainly invest 10-20 minutes of your life angrily typing an essay in response to a post of mine that inflamed your fatphobia all for the thrill of knowing that I will see it in my inbox, briefly skim it, and then block you and trash your comment. Or you can do something more worthwhile with your time and your anger, like eating a bowl of thumbtacks or taking a hammer to your own kneecaps.
2. I really, really don’t want to touch you on a plane. Why do you all seem to think I want to touch you? I really, sincerely, honestly do not want to touch you. Please don’t flatter yourselves! Do you think I want your gross germs? To feel your warm, greasy flesh stretched over your bones? To be close enough to smell your stench? NO, I DO NOT. You could have measles. You could have the flu. I don’t want to touch you. I have never wanted to touch you. I want bigger seats on airplanes so I do not have to run the risk of ever touching you. You’d think we could find some common ground here! Because we’re pretty much on the same page.
3. I do not have to publish your comment-essays. Would you believe that trolls have actually used the contact form on this website to contact me to ask what happened to their shitty fucking comments?! Oh, it’s happened. Multiple times. But, you know, blogs are free! So go get your own. I actually pay for a domain and an upgraded account, and I get to call the shots in this space. And the reason your comment “disappeared” was because I fucking trashed it and blocked you from leaving comments because you’re a piece of shit who made me waste 30 seconds of my life skimming your dumb comment and blocking you. I know it’s maddening when you spend time on a terrible comment and a mean fat lady blogger doesn’t publish it. But, seriously, why did you think I would? It’s funny, because most of the comments are ABSOLUTELY INDIGNANT at the suggestion that I have some right to their space on planes, which they pay for (!!!!), and then are ABSOLUTELY INDIGNANT about the fact that they were not allowed to invade my space, that I also pay for, with their bullshit.
4. I know that I am fat. That is literally the topic of this whole entire blog, but thanks for noticing and taking the time to tell me.

So, I hope this clears a few things up! I hope this saves you a little time, knowing that your comment-essay won’t even be published and will only be skimmed for a few seconds before I roll my eyes and trash it. I hope you won’t waste your time trying to DESTROY me in a comment so you can go back to your pals on your subReddit and get upvotes and pats on the back, because your comment will never see the light of day, and here I am! Not destroyed! Still fat! Still happy! Still blogging! Sorry you wasted your time!